I’m kind of overwhelmed today. And I suppose that knowing no one reads this, I feel like it is a good place for me to vent. So reader beware: what you are about to read will most likely not encourage positive feelings in your heart.
Today was just a ‘bleh’ day. Donovan was ornery/sick (didn’t sleep last night… heck, hasn’t slept in a week), Shey peed her pants four times, it was snowing, Nigel was gone all day, I didn’t shower… see what I mean? I felt kind of discouraged, like I’m not doing a great job as a mom/wife. I wish I could be so much more patient and loving and understanding, and yet I find myself yelling and being frustrated and tired. I think part of my problem is that I know that I am ruining my sweet Shey with high expectations and limited patience. I want to be a mom that will overlook her spilled milk and be happy that she took the initiative to pour it herself, if you know what I mean. I feel like all I’ve done for the last four days is said “clean this up, don’t do that, change your pants, don’t be loud, don’t be weird, don’t do that to your brother.” I just want to play with her and not stress out over a messy house or whatever else. But how do you do that? A messy house stresses me out… I get even more frustrated and short-tempered when I have stuff all over the place. So it won’t help to just say “I won’t worry about it anymore.” I did have a realization yesterday that if a friend comes over, its going to get messy, so just let them have fun and I’ll help her clean up after the friend goes home. I also realized that I can help her clean her room more. Instead of getting mad that I have to help, I should just go in and help her clean and show her how to do it right. I know its a baby step, but even one less thing to yell about is progress, right?!
You know, Mother’s Day is coming up and I think that it is THE most depressing days of the year because I look at myself and think “I don’t actually deserve this respect and special treatment. I’m the worst mom ever.” And this year its all starting about two weeks early. I’ve noticed that I’ve become addicted to watching tv shows… and the usual food network isn’t doing the trick. I’m watching continuous dramas that I can throw myself into so that I don’t have to face what’s going on around me. David, my therapist a few years back, said that it was okay to medicate with tv or books, but knowing that I’m doing it doesn’t help me feel better… it just makes me want to watch another episode. To avoid the stress of ruining Shey’s life or dealing with a screaming baby all day. But I know that its not the best choice of ‘medication.’ I should be out serving others or finding projects to make me happy.
It doesn’t help that I see the people around me here in the Village and I feel like I am their friend, but only to a certain extent. I see them all hanging out together and feel like I’m just one little step outside of the circle. Why don’t I get invited to make crafts or share babysitting nights or whatever else they do? I feel like I’m the one that has to initiate every time. I just want to have a friend ALL the time. And I know that its partly my fault because (not to blame my childhood but..) I don’t completely open up to people because I know they won’t be there in a year. I want friends, but I don’t know how to be one, I guess is the problem.
Well, I don’t dare go back through and count all the I’s in this entry. Its all about me and woe is me and my life is so hard and blah blah blah. My life really isn’t that hard. I’ve been blessed with so many good things in my life and I really need to stop focusing on me and my pains and start figuring out how to help others overcome theirs. So, I guess it does help to write this all down so I can see that my “I’ problem is not helping me see clearly. Tomorrow is a new day, right? I can try again a little harder. So, my challenge to myself… see who I can help and report back here tomorrow with a little better perspective.

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About bloomiesblog

We are a family of best friends. And this is a little bit of our story.

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