Today was a bad day. Actually, I don’t know when the ‘bad days’ started, but for a little while now I’ve felt myself get worse and worse. I am feeling out of control, like I did before I went to counseling. Why am I feeling this way again and how do I change it? My problem now is that now my kids are involved.
The last thing I want to do is hurt Shey in any way… physically or emotionally… and yet I feel like that is what I do. I feel like I ruin her life every day. I get so angry and frustrated. Why can’t I just remember that she is only five years old? Why can’t I just love her all the time and not get so upset when she doesn’t listen to me? Why do I ignore her and get frustrated with her questions? All I want in this world is to be a good mom and I feel that I am failing.
So what do I do? At this point I only remember a few things from therapy. 1. communication with Nigel. and 2. my values must equal my actions or I will not be happy. In order to find my values, I have to look at people outside of my family that I admire/respect.
President Monson, Colette Orton, Laura Theodosis, Michelle Chestnut, Sheri Dew, Rachael Ray
What are the things I like about them?
Spirituality.
Sweetness.
Kindness.
Hard working.
Cooking/creativity.
Positivity.
Joy.
Motivated.
Spend time with kids.
Know themselves and what they want.
Have a passion.
Service.
So my quest is to figure out how to put these into my own life. What can I do better? Well, all of them. So, I’m going to put this list on my fridge. I’m going to look at it every day and figure out one way to improve myself that day so that I can be happy. I’m also going to start eating healthier so I feel better, and I’m going to cut out my show (Bones) because it can’t bring me happiness if its taking time away from things I should be doing.
I want to be happy. I want to be good. I want to be a good person, wife, and especially mother. So, I will. I will create actions from my desires.
Its therapeutic to write, but sometimes I wish someone else could read this so that they knew I needed some help.

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We are a family of best friends. And this is a little bit of our story.

5 responses »

  1. jackie bloomfield says:

    Hi Laura,
    Ive been in that deep dark nothing, it isn’t a nice place to be, and I know its difficult to climb out. There are those who can help you. We simply can’t, and aren’t expected to climb out alone.
    I know it’s scary. We love you, and will do anything we can to help. You’ve made the first great step in reaching out.
    love, jackie

    • bloomiesblog says:

      Thanks, Jackie! Yesterday I tried to focus more on what was important, and although I still had moments of Shey frustrating me (which, I’m sure is normal for a 5 year old) I didn’t let myself get out of control. I stayed calm while I disciplined her and I was kind of proud of myself that I could do it. I hadn’t had a day like the day I wrote in so long that it scared me as I realized how far I had dropped, but I think like you said, recognizing it and reaching out helped a lot. Not that one good day means everything is back to normal, but one day at a time, right?!
      Thanks again.

  2. jackie bloomfield says:

    It really is a work in progress, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
    hugs to all,
    love jackie

  3. kathy Fontano says:

    Laura:
    Two things I will add to your list: read scriptures and pray. I know you read scriptures as a family.. are you on your own scripture reading program? It always helps me so much and I can tell when I am slipping everywhere that I am not enough into my spiritual side…
    I appreciate your list but I want you to know that the people you sight are not perfect… they feel their weaknesses and need to pray for strength everyday too.
    You do need to work on your relationship with Shey… let the small things go. She tries so hard to please you and I see it in her eyes sometimes when she just can’t get your to understand her little 5 year old world. You also have a crying baby boy who gets you un-nerved and rather than take it out on him you get upset with Shey or even Nigel. I have been there too, I know what you are dealing with. Give yourself some credit for living in a hard time but also congratulate yourself that your are realizing your weakness. Don’t compare – because everyone is in a different place and has a different purpose. Play with your little daughter… you will regret someday that your didn’t. I am glad to do puzzles with Shey and play house but how much of that do your remember me doing with you? No – I had too many other things to accomplish. Now I am sorry for that and am glad I can make up a little of that lack by playing with grandchildren.
    You are a great mom and your heart is in the right place… I love you, MOM

  4. Caryn says:

    Laura, I love you! I think you are so amazing you have the biggest heart and the best smile. I can totally relate to your post. I have weeks were I feel like I am bi polar or something, my husband cant stand my and my poor kids have to be around me all the time. I was thinking while driving home from the store today and Cadyn was asking me 50 hundred questions about everything. I was thinking, he is so amazing and makes me smile, not matter how annoyed I eventally get with his constant chatter he talks to me! To ME his mom, he doesnt chatter with anyone else let alone carry on long conversations longer than need be. It made me think even through the rough times he still loves me. Even though the day before I got on him about something stupid he still loves me. Not that my actions were appropriote in anyway while yelling at him. Ok I am just rambling…. my point is I have those days too. I feel like the worst mom in the world! I feel like my kids dispise me and my husband as well. I know that when I read my scriptures and say my prayers it helps me it helps pull me out of my rut! I also know that when I schedule my days and dont sweat the small stuff I am able to be more patient. I am sure you are an amazing mother and your kids adore you and I know your husband loves you! I am thankful that you wrote this with an honest heart! I avoid writting a lot on my blog for fear of judgement from those I thought were my dearest friends. So thank you for having the strength to write truth. love you!

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