I feel like I’m coming out or something… now having two friends (woah, slow down buckaroo) reading my posts, other than my mother and mother in law, I feel like I’m actually putting myself out there. Its an odd feeling, as I use this basically as a journal. I’m not sure that I meant to share my thoughts with whomever wanted to hear them, but at the same time I’m almost flattered that someone would possibly want to hear what I have to say.
Maybe this is a repeat story, but when I married Nigel I came home from the honeymoon to our one bedroom apartment. Who knows how old it was, but it has since been torn down and is now home to a parking lot. I was so excited to finally have my “happily ever after” and be the perfect house wife and mother and cook and clean… basically picture Samantha from Bewitched, minus the nose-twitching. Life was going to be fantastic. Well, that day my unfortunate time of the month started and I believe it was over an hour that I cried on the bed, while Nigel tried to patiently wait for me to talk to him about things, and I could not find words to come out of my mouth to tell him what my problem was. After threatening to leave me because I was obviously not ready to be married and scolding me for not trusting him or wanting to talk to him, I finally opened up to Nigel and told him what was wrong. That was the first time I realized that being a wife meant I was going to have to open up to someone. It scared me to death, but I also realized in that moment that he really did care about what I was saying and what was going on with me. I was LOVED. Since then I’ve began opening up to people, but I still feel like most people don’t REALLY know who I am. I try to not ever share too much because I assume people don’t care or don’t want to hear “the long story.” (What can I say, I’m a woman of mystery!)
My bishop in Provo told me that he wanted me to let people into my life… even though I was only going to be there for a year. He said he knew that I had a hard time letting people in because I never had to before. We moved so often that I only needed good enough friends to survive the year, and never really invested my time into real friendships. How he knew that I have no idea, but he hit the nail right on the head. The funny thing is that I never realized that I do that until he pointed it out to me. I have always been too scared to put myself fully out there in fear of rejection or humiliation. Living here in Salt Lake for the last two years has helped me open up to this wonderful group of friends that I really do love so much. I’m learning to be a friend for the first time in my life. I’m really bad at it, but I am always seeking to do better.
Basically what I’m trying to say is… I’m ready to come out in all my glory. Let the world know who I am… if they don’t accept me for what I am, then they’re missing out (right…?!?!?!?). I’ll just keep telling myself that.